Why You Should Forgive (Even If They Aren't Sorry)

One of the biggest mental blockades we face when trying to forgive someone is a simple misunderstanding of what the word means.

We often think, "If I forgive them, I’m saying that what they did was okay." We hesitate because we feel that offering forgiveness somehow minimizes the pain they caused or lets them off the hook without consequences.

 Forgiveness is not condoning what the person did to you. It isn't saying the behavior was acceptable. It isn't saying the pain wasn't real.

Forgiveness is not about the other person’s behavior; it is about your freedom.

There is perhaps no greater example of this distinction than the true story of Corrie ten Boom.

During World War II, Corrie and her family harbored Jews in their home in the Netherlands until they were betrayed and sent to concentration camps. Corrie survived the horrors of Ravensbrück, but her beloved sister Betsie died there due to the brutality of the guards.

Years after the war, Corrie was speaking at a church in Munich, Germany, about God's forgiveness. After the service, a man walked up to her. She froze. She recognized him instantly as one of the cruelest SS guards from the shower room at Ravensbrück.

He extended his hand and said, "Fraulein, surely God is good! You mentioned Ravensbrück in your talk. I was a guard there... I have become a Christian. I know that God has forgiven me for the cruel things I did there, but I would like to hear it from your lips as well. Fraulein, will you forgive me?"

Corrie wrote that she kept her hand at her side. Angry, bitter thoughts boiled up. How could she erase the slow, terrible death of her sister? To take his hand felt like saying, “It didn’t matter.”

But she knew the command of God. In a mechanical act of obedience, she lifted her arm. She later described what happened:

"And as I did, an incredible thing took place. The current started in my shoulder, raced down my arm, sprang into our joined hands. And then this healing warmth seemed to flood my whole being, bringing tears to my eyes. 'I forgive you, brother!' I cried. 'With all my heart!'"

Corrie did not condone the Holocaust. She did not agree with his abuse. But in that moment, she released the debt.

The Bible is clear that we are to forgive, not because the offender deserves it, but because we have been forgiven.

"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."

— Colossians 3:13 (NIV)

The scripture doesn't say "forgive if they apologize" or "forgive if the offense wasn't that bad." It tells us to use God's grace toward us as the template for our grace toward others.

Ellen White, a prolific Christian author, wrote extensively on the psychology of sin and the freedom of grace. She understood that holding onto a grudge destroys the vessel that holds it.

In Steps to Christ, she writes:

"We should not think that unless those who have injured us confess the wrong we are justified in withholding from them our forgiveness. It is their part, no doubt, to humble their hearts by repentance and confession; but we are to have a spirit of compassion toward those who have trespassed against us, whether or not they confess their faults."

— Steps to Christ, p. 97

She also notes in Testimonies for the Church that when we refuse to forgive, we are actually giving the offender power over our spiritual life. By holding onto the hurt, we allow their past actions to control our present emotions.

As the slide mentions, forgiveness is a transaction of the heart.

When someone hurts you, they "owe" you. They owe you an apology, they owe you restitution, they owe you the childhood you lost or the reputation they ruined.

It doesn't mean they are innocent. It means you are no longer the debt collector. You are handing the account over to God. By doing so, you release the wrongdoer from the debt they can never truly repay, but more importantly, you release yourself from the bitterness that is poisoning your own soul.

Don't wait for the feeling to come. Like Corrie ten Boom, make the choice to release the debt today, and let the healing follow.